We've all been there, right?

Sleep paralysis. You wake up and there's a demon sitting on your chest. You try to move. You can't.

The demon laughs maniacally in your face, and says "Not today."

They watch you squirm. They watch you try to pray. They suck your life force and leave you tired and helpless the entire next day.

A scenario like this could have been easily avoided...

If you'd just followed your sacred, nightly weed ritual before going to sleep. But you were lazy. You thought your skin care routine mattered more. How wrong you were. What good is retinol when you're sleeping 1 hour a night, max?

So here it is. A fast, easy ritual smoke sesh to ward off the ancient demons. And yes, it'll even leave room for your 12-step skincare routine.

Part 1: Set and Setting

• Light a candle. I switch between Jesus and Dolly Parton. Whoever's available.
• Dim the lights. 
• Put your underwear on your head. (Ideally, clean. It's medieval science. Don't google it.)
• Put on a playlist. I find noise metal to be particularly effective.
  That guy who tried to take you to a dumpster-side noise show on your first date? He wasn’t wrong. 
  Turns out, it works on demons and women. Who knew? Don't call him.

Part 2: Assemble Your Ritual Tools

None of this is made up. I once visited a renowned fortune teller named Madame Caulkatoo, working out of a kitchen basement in Chelsea. She claimed I had an ancient curse on my blood line.
She also said she could lift it for the small price of $999.
Honestly? A bargain. What’s a thousand dollars compared to the cleansing of your entire bloodline. I'm now leaving the instructions of the ritual here for free, just for you. Here are the tools she told me to get:

• A stash case. Lucky for you, each one of our cases are actually demon-proof. We pray over each one and sprinkle vatican water on them. We don't charge extra for that. We're not monsters.
• A grinder. According to Madame Caulkatoo, your grinder needs to have sharp teeth and old weed dating back to 2010. The older, the better.
• A bong, pipe, or papers. Madame Caulkatoo used to sell papers stamped with ancient Sumerian texts, but they haven't been in stock for 5 years. Something about supply chain issues.
• A Lighter. Ah, this is the most important part. She said your lighter absolutely must have a sordid past. Ideally, stolen or borrowed. 

  Honestly, if you and your friends all buy lighters from us and then steal them from each other, that should work just fine.*
                         
  *I confirmed this with Madame Caulkatoo. She approves.
  

Part 3: Cleanse Your Aura

The energy of your day (doomscrolling, stalking your situationship's Venmo transactions, or arguing in the group chat) cannot stay in the room with us if we're gonna have any chance of protecting you from demons. 

• Scream into a pillow for exactly 2 minutes and 22 seconds . No more, no less. We need a hard reset on your nervous system. Bonus: this also confuses any lingering spirits nearby.
  
• Visualization. Imagine a white flame above your head. Throw everything into that flame until it becomes a blazing white fire. Your ex, certain presidents, your landlord, and the entire 2020s so far. Who knows, you might shift timelines if you do this...daily.
• Light some sage with your lighter. Swirl it around your head. Three full circles. Counterclockwise. Clockwise brings more demons. Counterclockwise is no demons. 

Part 4: The Ceremony 

Now it’s time for the final step. The moment everything has been building toward.

Light up your chosen device. Inhale slowly. Hold it for exactly the right amount of time. You’ll just know. Exhale dramatically, as if you’re releasing centuries of ancestral baggage. Or just cough aggressively. Both are valid.

Do not skip this step. If you do, the ritual is incomplete and your results will be highly unpredictable. We cannot be held responsible for whatever happens next.

Congratulations. You’ve completed the ritual.

Whether or not anything changes in your life is honestly none of our business.